And when I said to my client who is a doctor, that I was doing okay, and I was living with it, and it wasn't really that bad, she said something so powerful that it stopped me in my tracks:
"Pahla, you deserve to feel better than this."
It's sad/funny/ironic how often I've said those words to my clients, and yet somehow I didn't notice when it applied to me. I mean, I help people feel better and eat better and move better for a freakin' living! Of course I believe that everybody should feel awesome all the time! So, how in the world did I not even notice that I was making excuses for myself and figuring out workarounds (Oh, I'll just run slower. I just won't run as far.) to accommodate my diminished capacity?
I have no idea. But now it's out there: I need to raise my standards for myself. I emailed my doctor as soon as I got home, and I'll let you know where we go from here. It was strangely exhilarating and almost scary to think that I could get back to feeling 100%. I've been hovering down around 85% for so long that I hadn't really let myself think about feeling better, but now I want it so bad I can taste it.
While I was driving home, I realized that her words hit me so hard for another reason, too. I've been having an internal struggle lately with the work that I do. (Not the clients that I see in person, they're awesome.) I have a real passion and desire to succeed with the workout videos I make for YouTube (and the website I run in conjunction with that) as well as writing for this blog. But somehow, I seem to have accepted... I don't know what to call it. Mediocrity? I've never quite pushed myself to grow the blog the way I wanted to, even though I love writing, I love telling my stories and I love connecting with other runners.
I deserve to feel better than this.
So I made the decision that I've been hemming and hawing about for - oh, I wish I could say weeks or months, but it's actually been years. I'm moving over to WordPress! I know it's a better fit for bloggers who are serious about blogging, and that includes me.
I've done the research ad nauseam, so now it's just a matter of making it happen. Fingers crossed I don't fuck it up somehow and lose five years of posts! I truly have no idea if I'm technically savvy enough to migrate my own stuff, and I hope that if I manage to erase all my subscribers that you'll come and find me again. Thanks in advance for that!
I want you to know that if there's something that's been bugging you lately or weighing on your mind, the answer is this: