Don’t mind me if this post ends up making very little sense, because I have entered that part of race training known as the Complete and Utter Freak Out Stage. No joke. I can’t string together a coherent sentence in real life, so don’t expect me to have anything but crazy to say here on the blog.
The training day I had planned for Sunday went so very, very badly I almost can’t even tell you about it. On the plan was a preview of the 1.2 mile swim course and the entire 56 mile bike course. What I actually managed to do was 500 meters of FREAKED OUT “swimming” followed by two hours of hysterical crying and zero bike riding. I wish I was exaggerating. That swim shattered every single shred of confidence I have ever had in my life. I came home – still crying after an hour’s drive – and told my husband that I couldn’t do it, I was pulling out of the race or at least downgrading to the Sprint or maybe even the Mini. He listened patiently, because that’s what he does, and didn’t offer any opinions until I was mostly done with the freak out. Of course, his opinion was that I need to do more open water swimming.
OMG, how am I going to do this?
When I stopped crying, I went for a run. The next morning, I had a great bike ride and today I went for another lovely run and swam a mile in my still very cold pool. I’m starting to feel better, but that’s mostly because I have just pushed Sunday out of my mind as much as possible.
Did I mention that I’m freaking out?
Here’s the thing: I don’t feel like I’m afraid of swimming anymore. I actually really enjoy it even though I’m not especially good at it. I know I’m not fast, but getting into the pool is a workout I look forward to. I can swim way over race distance in a pool without feeling overworked, but going 100 meters in open water leaves me breathless and exhausted. WTF is wrong with my head in open water?? Every time I think I have it figured out, I go and freak out about something different the next time. Panic is so illogical and I don’t seem to have any coping mechanism to get past it.
I’m not pulling out of the race. I don’t want to downgrade, either. Both of those options just feel like giving up or failing and I can’t accept that. I suspect, though, that there’s going to be 1.2 miles of doggy-paddling on May 22nd.
Tell me your “I overcame panic and here’s how” stories, please!!